telling it like it is

don't you miss the sunsets lately? 

nearly 6 months in for year 2025. systems check, systems check. 

looking back, the first half of the year surely was packed. the first months were filled with weddings and reunions. then a couple of outings every week (wow!) with my new found friends whom i've met in the second half of last year. funny how short the time was needed for us to click-- it felt like we've known each other for years already. funny how we meet people for a short time and change our lives forever.

after more than a year and a half, i finally belonged to a group of sisters in Christ whom i could grow with spiritually in Manila. this group tremendously helped me in my journey. the Lord truly is faithful yesterday, today, and the days to come.

in between, i hustled for my GIS course and thesis. it was not easy. i really thought i could make it, juggling another subject on top of my thesis-- which i should finish in the second semester if i wanted to graduate on time.

long story short, i failed to graduate on time. *cue in multo by cup of joe: hindi na makalaya~* haha

for a moment, i could not accept it. even my roommates could not accept that i gave up. they were also barely holding on as two of them are also graduating. we're supposed to graduate together. i know i have disappointed many people, probably my adviser, my scholarships, my family, my friends, my students, and the Lord. 

for a moment, i was tempted to think that if i won't excel in my acads, in what other ways can I show the people around me how good the Lord has been in my life? if i fail in the only thing i think i am good at, what is the good thing left about me?

for a moment, i have already written in my mind the best plot twist that could happen in my thesis because i know the Lord has saved me many times in my acads and very gracious in sending me help. i was tired already and nearly burnout but i believed that God will still work my thesis out even it seems so impossible to make it on time. 

but what if He does not?

 

who am i to limit the Lord? who am i to think that i can only please the Lord through my acads? why do i feel like i have to be always strong for others to see that the Lord is good in my life? why am i afraid to be seen weak just because I have a great God? what a great rebuke. when i saw the following post on instagram at a perfect timing, it seemed that the Lord is really trying to speak and comfort me.

God: I hear you pray, "Lord, may my whole life be for Your glory."

But when you don't disclose your sorrows, you are withholding my story.

I am in the highs, the lows. I am in the waves of grief.

When you hide from all your troubles,

how will they know I bring relief?

Your trusting lament, in minor key,

is a sweet and fragrant offering.

A melody that points all who hears and see to Me,

the giver of all good things.

Sing, child, sing. 

(@kategoescreating, instagram)

the Lord is still a good, good Father, even in my lows. if having known the Lord more means i have to be in the valleys, then i'll enjoy my time here. if the highest place i could reach in this lifetime is at His feet, then that's enough for me.

i admit i am not proud of the version of myself right now. but my dgroup Ate told me that i might find someone who has the same situation with me whom i can comfort to, and that's an enough reason why i had to go through this. 

so i am telling my story like it is. since in my weakness, His strength is magnified. in my failures, His redemptive power can be shown.

to face the uncertainty of the next 6 months of this year, i think this is the scariest situation i'm in again after two years haha, i shall "rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him" (Psalm 37:7). i don't know how it's gonna turn out but faithful He was and faithful He will be.

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to add from my devotional today (6.26.2025), the Lord has spoken to me through Isaiah 55 😭:

There are no shortcuts in the breakthroughs we desire. Fruit takes time, self. 

Thank God, Your ways are better than mine.