Saturday, April 3, 2021

redeemed and saved

The month of March was a rollercoaster ride for me. It was so fun in the first two weeks, but in between the joys, I was also struggling to juggle my social life and my duties at work. So basically, I just decided that I'll have to work hard in the last weeks of the month, as compensation for my happy days, and as the second semester was also fast approaching.


Well, the past few weeks were quite a mess. I work late at night and have to wake up early. I had to ditch house chores and felt guilty that I was not helping my mom in the house duties. I had consecutive sleepless nights and I had acne breakouts, so worse, my expensive skin care routine could not even cope hahahuhu. Despite of it all, I tried my best to be loving and kind and to be sane at my workplace... but of course, I failed.

I had an intense debate and exchange of arguments with my workmate regarding on sexism, and I was trying to debunk his "boys will be boys" mindset. Usually, even though it was not new to me to hear those kind of remarks at my workplace, I could've just shrugged it off because I don't want to meddle with these people and their ingrained principles.. but that one time was an exception. I was tired.. and super irritable, okay. Though, our argument had ended peacefully because we just agreed to disagree, I had already hurt him with something I said. I apologized but I was still so guilty and I felt so unclean.

A week after that, I was involved in an issue at school. I was at fault at some point, and a lot of misunderstandings took place but none of it was in my control. Our attentions were called and were asked for our testimonies. I felt like I was on trial at court and I was guilty. My heart was so heavy that time because I felt so unclean again, a hundred times over. And it was especially painful to admit that in front of many people, but I had to. I had to wallow in my self-disappointment while I have to prepare for my presentation in the Divisional Research Congress that Friday, to which I was disappointed again. 

I am so done with everything. So drained.

Looking back, I don't understand why I have to undergo all through that. But I understand now. I had to experience brokenness again, before the Lord, to go back to Him. To prepare my heart before Him, for this season of Lent. The Lord had allowed to expose my heart from the hidden sins I've committed and there's nothing else I wanted to do but to offer it and surrender. Those circumstances have exposed how unclean I am and how much I need of a Savior.

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. ~Psalms 139:23 NIV

I could never redeem myself after all the things I've done, after so many people I've hurt along the way. I could not see my workmates now the same way as before. Even though I always say to myself that I am not here to build a reputation, I could not deny that I am still afraid of what they think of me now. I want to explain to everyone that it was all just a misunderstanding, I want to explain to them that I was blameless.. but I could not. Because who am I to cleanse my own sins. A sinner could not take its own sins away. I would be a fool to think that I could redeem myself.

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. ~ Psalms 51:17 NIV

Deep in my heart, I just want to make peace with myself. I could've never done it if it weren't for the Peace Giver. If they think of me differently now, then let it be. It's true anyway. That I am not sinless, blameless, clean. 

I am still thankful that those things have to happen. And beyond blessed that I have somewhere to run to when I feel helpless. Indeed, who am I if it weren't for Jesus. I just want to bask myself under the Lord's mighty saving grace. 

Every suffering we have in this world is a longing for a Savior. An emptiness that can only be filled in by our Creator. For all that had happened in the past weeks, the suffering of Jesus Christ on the Cross now bears so much weight in me. He had to die on the Cross as an atonement for our sins, for my sins. I am not helpless and not a hopeless case. I can still be redeemed and be saved by Him. I am forevermore thankful Jesus for the love You have for me. 

Your love, I could not fathom. 😭💖

Sunday, February 21, 2021

constants

 


I don't know what happened why we were now stuck together. These people have known me for more than 10 years already. Jai and I have known each other since elementary. It's amazing how the Lord had allowed me to have friendships as long as this. At the end of the day, I feel blessed that no matter what, I have friends who will choose to get along side with me through the good and bad times. Friends who choose me to be with them in their sunny or rainy days. It's such an honor.



While Jai and I had been friends already since elementary, it was only in high school where we got closer when we met more people who have the same wavelengths as ours. We had a big group before, u know classic high school culture, but eventually, parted ways. While for me, reunions will always be welcome but I guess, big groups of friendships just don't work. We all have our small groups whom we choose to trust with our lives.


Hahahaha and yes, literally, I trusted my life with this two gals yesterday. Nicole was the first one among us who got a driver's license so it was the first time that she drove us around the city. And it was also her first time to bring the car to the city! We were so proud of her but couldn't deny that we were really feeling jittery during the ride. Really, thank God, we arrived at our homes safe and sound, no broken bones. Hahaha  






We went to Noona's Chill and Grill because I like to eat some hot noodles to counter the cozy weather and had some photo sesh, duhh of course. 


Our adventures yesterday were epic! and dangerous haha. It was Nicole's first time to drive without any supervision from someone with a license, first time to drive at night (we even had a trouble in turning on the lights hahaha), first overtake (woohh!), first bump and scratches on the side mirror hahahaha. It was very risky so let's just say it's all for the experience for us to be better drivers. I'm also going to learn and practice driving so that I can also take my friends out safely.


So when I say I am really thankful we got home safe yesterday, I mean it seriously haha no offense Nics hahahah. Nevertheless, I had fun. These experiences with them, I wouldn't trade it for the world. To more misadventures with my constants. <3

Sunday, January 31, 2021

before anything else

It's the last day of January.. and now that it is ending, it feels like I'm still trying to get started. Like I'm still about to start the new year. The month went by quite fast but just enough time for me to rest and think. 


Photo from Unsplash. (c) Holly Mandarich


I spent this last day of January with a blissful feeling. I had my usual Sunday morning tutorial class, did some laundry, took a nap, went out and bought some stuff, had some quality time with myself by eating something good at a nice cafe, drank coffee, watched Sunday service and spent time with the Lord in prayer. I ended my day with a good shower, new bed sheets, and a really good skin care routine. It feels so refreshing. Feels like healing.


And for that, I'd like to share something. 





Today's Bible verse is Proverbs 16:3 - "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans."


Commitment.


In today's fast and changing times, I observed that people find it hard to commit. It might be on a something (such as your current job) or a someone (such as your current fling :p). People had indulged in the notion of not having any labels in relationships up to not even considering marriages because they don't want to be part of something that is binding.


This I can attest in my struggle on whether I should take a postpaid plan to buy a cellphone or not. Why is this an issue? Because entering so means I will be 2-year bound by a contract, paying monthly.. which means I also have to stay in my current job for 2 years (or more) to securely be able to pay this postpaid plan.


I could not imagine that. I find it hard to commit that long. 


But why? And to this I realized. I think it's because I have no concrete plans of where I am going. Most probably because I'm afraid of the uncertainty. I can imagine what I don't want to happen but couldn't figure out what should and what I wanted to happen. I couldn't commit because I have not established my plans.


Now, Proverbs 16:3 reminds me of what it should be. 


So we must first commit to the Lord. Whatever we do. Wherever we go. Whatever season we are in, we must commit to the Lord. The word commit here I think means "to put into charge or trust" and "obligate; bind" (source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary).


After having been committed to the Lord, He will then establish your plans. Establish - "to bring into existence"; "to make firm or stable". He will then make clear to us the course of our paths. And this gives me hope, that I will eventually have a future in Him. 


As a new month is starting, before making any dreams & plans, before anything else.. may we first commit our hearts to the Lord so that our plans will also be aligned to His.


Thank you Father for this wonderful season I am in right now. It's hard but I'm excited to see the growth that can come out from this. I pray that for the rest of the year, I will never stop seeking you and will constantly yearn to read your Word. I pray that whatever I do and is planning to do will be aligned according to Your will. May this heart be always ready to commit to you, Father. This I ask in the Mighty Name of Jesus Christ. Amen. 

Saturday, January 16, 2021

Today, I found my life verse

 It's around 2 AM when I started to do devotional I had put off the night before. This should be a week of Prayer & Fasting but not until Day 5 of prayer did I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in me. I had not fed it well for a lot of days (or months) already and lately, I was really struggling in keeping myself awake while praying. Since Day 1 of Prayer & Fasting, I was not successful in finishing the Prayer Watch every night during CCF's livestream. Either I was too sleepy or I already fell asleep. 


Not until today, at this ungodly hour. 


Exhibit A: exception to the "Nothing ever good happens after 2AM".


I longed to feel this spark of faith in me for months already. I was idle in my spiritual growth and my spirit is so weak. But God is faithful to me. He never gave up on me despite my forgetfulness, laziness, unbelief.


I feel so blessed right now. I never thought I could finish the Prayer Watch. Yes, I finished it. Days ago, praying feels like forever. I've felt the spark to disciple again and realized how the Lord God had put me in a great position to influence. I am a teacher! How did I not ponder on this before? This now moves me to do better in my work and to always ask how I can train these children to the ways of the Lord. It feels so refreshing to have found my purpose. 


My purpose in Him.


As the Pastor was ending the Prayer Watch with a prayer, he said something about how we should seek God so that we will find Him. This reminded me how this verse was so true in my life. One time, I sought God even though I've not really understood the importance of Jesus Christ. I found a church that helped me grow, found people to be with in this journey in knowing Him, strived to expand my knowledge about His Word, and eventually, found the Word, Jesus Christ Himself, felt and understood His presence. My life's turning point was in that just one mundane morning.



That's why 'Seek Me and You will find Me' verse speaks so much volume to me. As I was ending my prayer, I decided that this verse is going to be my life verse. Days ago, my colleague asked me what my life verse is and I told him that I'm still looking for it. Now, I have a verse to share to him. After praying, as I was turning to my browser to search what verse was it, lo and behold, there were tears in my eyes because I didn't have to search it anymore. It was in front of me. 


It's today's verse of the day. 😭🙏


He is with me in this prayer time. He found me. I sought Him and I found Him. I feel so blessed!!! And I will not stop feeling blessed. 


I have spent many days with emptiness in my heart, no fire in my soul to do the things I once am fired up to do. Indeed, no one fills this heart of mine than You do. 


In the end, it is only by His grace that I still constantly seek Him. It is important to point out that if He were not faithful to me, I would not have come to seek Him. He first found me. 


This is my testimony. ❤


"Seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." ~ Jeremiah 29:13

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