The busyness of the last quarter of the year has definitely taken my attention away from my quiet time with the Lord. I have been having sleepless nights and busy days, that sometimes I don't know where to put my quiet time anymore. But one thing that's adding to my list of to dos is ministry.

signing in as a volunteer every game night

I said yes to serving in Singles' Sports Community of our church CCF this year, just last February. But believe me when I say that I've never been to any game nights from the past year nor familiar with what's going on in this kind of ministry. I just heard from my Dgroup sisters and brothers that they had fun and that they were tired from the night before because of SSC. When my Dgroup leader and spiritual mom was looking for volunteers for the ministry this year, I really did not see myself at the start of the year that this would be taking so much part of my life.

I was hesitant. I was still finishing my thesis, and I don't want any distractions, aiming to finally graduate this time. I was just starting to pray for a Dgroup this January, to which the Lord has faithfully provided-- immediately! But serving? Every Saturday and going home late? Commuting from QC to Pasig? On top of my going to my Dgroup upline every Sunday also? I was reallyyy not considering it... yet.

I remember that one conversation I had with my spiritual mom and dad in their car just this January, when we were going to the wedding of our Dgroup sister.

We just laughed but kuya Gen was trying to convince me to serve, and all I said was I don't know what SSC is and how it works, and I don't know where to volunteer. My heart was not really ready yet to serve because I had a lot of excuses. But maybe God really don't want me to go home yet.

Kuya Gen: "Just go to the Volunteer's General Assembly so just you'll see."

So I went. Now, I can say that saying yes to volunteering in this ministry has been one of my best decisions this year.  

join us in running!

But to be honest, lately has really been draining. Just because my work and ministry duties got heavier suddenly and they decided to happen at the same time. 

Lately, I am contemplating if I can continue this kind of life I have right now in the next year. I think lately was not sustainable. My ministry expenses really ballooned from last year. I have lesser savings even though I am earning better. My friend groups have increased, and maintaining these relationships I believe greatly takes a chunk of my time (and money), and to add, there's also the trouble of juggling these schedules with the other friend groups I originally have.

I could not help but think of the life I had before all of this.

I was doing my devotions this morning and I was led to meditate on Luke 9:57-62. 

The Cost of Following Jesus

As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

No matter how far I've drifted from the Lord, the moment I go back to reading His Word, He is just waiting for me to listen. So sooo faithful. 🥹 The passage says that "let the dead bury their own dead; as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Jesus was not saying that the things that we worry about-- our families, our relationships, our responsibilities-- are not important. He is just trying to emphasize that there is a much more pressing matter at hand-- proclaiming the kingdom of God, sharing the good news.

I'm similar with the man who made promises to the Lord but makes excuses in the execution of the promise. I said yes to the Lord and yes to following Him, but I still take some times to look back and wonder the life I left. Sometimes, I am like Lot's wife who still took a time to look back even though instructed that she should not.

But this morning, I really did some looking back. I took my old devo journals from the past 2 years and read my journey. God has really been faithful, He had sent a lot of people who helped me in my walk. I've grown (I'd like to think haha) spiritually and maturely, and have gained so much wisdom. I have lost my anxiety about uncertainties (I'd like to think.. again haha). I have faith in the Lord that all the things I have been worrying about, He will arrange all of it into order, while I fix my eyes on Him.

Even though I have lesser savings, I can still cheerfully give my tithes. Even though I am having late Saturday nights, I have Dgroup sisters and brothers who drive me home and are making sure I can go home safe and sound. Even though my trentahin body could not catch up already with the demands of the different physical activities and am needing longer rest days, I am still more physically active this year than last year because I am in a community that pushes me to be physically active. Even though I have a lot of friend groups now to juggle, I am finally walking with a community of believers who share the same struggles with me, but with whom I can lean upon.

Throwback to this message shared by Kuya Gen during the Volunteers' General Assembly 🥹

Kuya Gen delivered this message during the Volunteers' General Assembly, where I went "just to see". Now I'm still here, serving for 8 months already. Indeed, the Lord sustains the willing. He is indeed faithful. My season here in Manila may have been extended than the intended time I have seen myself, but the Lord has other plans. Very intentional indeed.

Yes, saying yes to the Lord entails a lot of cost-- comfort, responsibility, relationships, resources. But to see the goodness of the Lord in all these things, then yes, the cost is a joy to me. If more people will know Jesus in every game night I go, the cost is a joy to me. If Christlikeness is the end goal, the cost is a joy to me. If in the end of all of this is an encounter with Jesus Christ, the cost is a joy to me.

Even though I was busy with work and ministry, by God's grace, I was still able to graduate this year iyaq aq

This morning I am reminded that looking back is good when seeing it in the light of God's faithfulness. Looking back but not turning back. There's no turning back.

Not looking back with grief, but looking back with gratitude. 🤍

Here I am, at a cafe in Maginhawa, taking my time to absorb the things that happened in the past weeks. The past months. The past year. It's nearly been a year since I last posted in this blog. I had been busy for the past year-- travels, thesis, work. I just realized now that I wasn't able to post because I was on the road.

Now, I have time to write and I feel like I needed to write because I am back at the crossroads.

Haha I just thought about such analogy, I don't know if I am making sense. I remembered the last time I felt like this was when I started my Master's degree, or maybe a time before that. When I took this Master's degree road, it took me three years to get to the other side. Thank God, He sustained me in these three years, and now, I am back at the crossroads.

Today is the 17th of the month. I have made a pact with myself to celebrate the 17th of every month in a unique way til my birthday. Today, let's celebrate it with a blogpost. Haha!

One challenge I will take is to not use AI in finishing this blogpost. One reason why I was not able to post something in the past months, because I don't want to make a post for the sake of it, and just generate it through AI. And believe me, AI is really powerful and helpful in writing my thesis, that it's really tempting to write here with the use of AI. But I have made blogposts before (and I believe they are decent naman haha) without the use AI!! So given with my frontal lobe maturity, I guess I can do better now. I am actually tired of reading posts that are AI-generated-- maybe the thought was original but the tone was AI (seriously, I always use em-dash when writing, this is not AI, I swear). I would literally just scroll up no matter how genuine that person is. So I want my blogposts here to not be AI-generated also, so that when you read my posts, you will really hear my voice in your mind saying all these things... so are you hearing it? HAHA

Anyway, back to the crossroads.

The graduation is near, and I guess I have to prepare an answer to the question, "What's next?" 

That's the question I asked myself 2 days ago after I binge-watched "Teach You A Lesson" on Netflix (which is by the way such a great Kdrama!! The sleepless night was worth it). Well, I still have so many kdramas left unwatched so I guess, that's a pretty easy question to answer.

But what's next after graduation? Hmm, that is the hard question.

But I could not avoid this forever, right. I could not keep on delaying my thesis just to delay the decision making I need for "what's next". Now that I finished it, I thought to myself-- the hardest part is done already. Little did I know, the harder part was after. I have to finally face the real world-- I have to apply for a job in a few months time, I have to save money, I have to start building for myself. 

The easiest decision would probably be to take doctoral studies (surprisingly...) but I would not take that road, probably ever.

Should I go back to Iligan? or should I stay here in Manila? I don't know yet. I still have commitments here in Manila, but my family is also in Iligan and I want to spend time with my parents. 😓 

But all I know with myself right now is that I'm not taking the easy road this time.

The only thing I hold on to right now is the verse my Dgroup ate shared to me from last year, on Exodus 33:14 -15. 

I just have a great urge to put this out. On a Holy Thursday. When Jesus cried in Gethsemane, asking the Father to take this cup from Him, yet still surrendering to His will.

I am also in deep sorrow. The moment I woke up this morning, I felt a great need to cry. Not because of my own struggles, but because of others. I feel a deep sadness for all the people who don’t really know Jesus.

Not just knowing His name, but truly knowing Him. Encountering Him. Following Him.

I cried out to the Lord today, asking why He has revealed this to me, and only to a few. Why is it that I can so clearly see His lovingkindness... while so many remain distant from Him? I thought about the brokenness in this world. People who are searching, hurting, longing, and yet still don't go to Him.

And my heart broke even more.

Because if I could give even a small portion of the faith I have—just enough for them to see who Jesus truly is, I would give it without hesitation. But I can’t.

And that is what grieves me.

I want to share the gospel with them. But sometimes, I struggle. It feels awkward. I feel out of place and different. And I wonder why something so life-giving can feel so hard to express.

--

In my devotion this morning, I was led to Genesis 3:1–15.

The moment the serpent tempted Eve. Eve knew God’s instruction: “You must not eat from the tree… or you will die.” And yet the serpent said, “You will not certainly die.” It sounded convincing. It sounded almost true. And in a way, it seemed true. They did not die immediately. Not physically. But something far more serious happened. They were separated from God.

And I realized…these are same lies we are still hearing today.

In this fallen world, we are constantly fed with words that sound like truth, especially words we want to hear but are not aligned with God’s instructions.

The enemy does not always lie outright. Sometimes, he distorts the truth just enough for us to believe it. And like Eve… like Adam… we are easily swayed. Not because we do not know— but because we struggle to trust. We follow what feels good. What sounds right. What seems acceptable. But what feels right is not always right in the eyes of the Lord. God set His commands not to restrict us but to protect us. And yet, we still go our own way. And still, God does not force us to love Him.

That is what makes this so heavy because love must be chosen. Obedience must come from the heart.

I know I am far from perfect. I still make mistakes every day. I still sin in my thoughts, words, and actions. I still judge from time to time. I still make decisions that are not aligned with His will. But even then something in me corrects me, rebukes me, and draws me back. Still struggling, but not feeling defeated. And I know this is not from me. This is only by His grace. 

And this truth humbles me: Salvation is personal.

A relationship with Jesus cannot be passed on. It cannot be transferred. It is a decision. And that is why I grieve. Because I cannot save my family and my friends with my own strength and faith. I cannot give them my faith. They have to have it personally.

Only Jesus can save.

And yet, my heart still longs for them. Not just to know His name— but to truly know Him. To encounter Him. To follow Him as Lord.

But today, in the middle of my grief,

Jesus gently reminds me: I am not the Savior. He is. So even in my sorrow, there is peace. Because I am grieving a world that He has already overcome.

--

My dear reader,

I pray that you would allow Jesus into your heart.

What He offers is something so beautiful, something so real, that I cannot fully express it in words. You have to experience it.

God is not distant from you. You may feel far from Him. You may not fully understand Him. You may even be unsure if He is real. But He sees you. He knows you. And He loves you.

From the beginning, sin separated us from God. But God, in His love, made a way. Jesus Christ came not just to teach, but to save. He experienced what it's like to live in this fallen world. And He took upon Himself the weight of our sin. He died on the cross, with us in His mind, knowing that it is the only way to save us from being totally separated from Him. But He rose again proving that sin and death do not have the final word.

To be under the weight of our worries and troubles in this world, it is natural in this fallen world-- but we don't have to carry it on our own. Jesus has already overcome the world, you just have to believe in this truth and surrender your life to Him.

Praying also Lord that You increase my capacity to love so that they may also know the love You have also given and shown me. Give me courage to share You. Thank you, Jesus.