Sunday, June 20, 2021

vulnerability

Time passes by so fast. Just trying to get past our day to day lives, slowly and we're halfway through the year. There are days that I feel so empty.. and then there are days that I feel so much. Anddd today is one of those days.

Have you experienced having so much to feel, it's suffocating? There are times I had to grab on my chest, or hold on to something I can have a tight grip on, because I feel like something's being twisted inside of me. Sometimes it lasts for a short while, sometimes it just goes away after I could have a good cry. Deep breaths help especially when I feel like I'm hyperventilating.  Are these what they call panic attacks? :( I feel like something's brewing inside of me (maybe this is the result of having to drink coffee everyday). Whatever it is, I don't like it. And I wish to have a power over it.

I think I know what's the cause of this. 

Not overdose of coffee, but rather,
Bottled-up feelings. 


I have become someone who would rather be alone in a coffee shop than to go out with my workmates. I now only wait for my friends to invite me to go out, instead of being the one who initiates it. I now usually talk with others only when they need to tell me something, not because I have something to tell them. It's alright for me to not say anything anyways. 

I could go on.. and still, the bottomline of this is that the problem is me.

I have a fear of vulnerability.

I'm not comfortable with gatherings anymore, aside from the reason that I'm afraid of getting COVID-19, I am afraid of the 'talks'. The thought of 'kumustahan' shudders me. Video calls would mean I have to talk and share. (I'm such a bad friend, I know.) It's all okay when it is other's turn to share their struggles, it's easy for me to uplift and empathize, but by the time the ball's been passed to me, I don't like to catch it and I try my best to keep my speech short. 

I'm afraid that people would see my weakness. I am afraid of being pitied. That I couldn't even apply to myself the advices/assurances I give to other people. It's easier to hide and not explain  anything. I choose to run away from the people I am close with and worse, from the people I love.

Ironically, the person who's afraid of vulnerability still decided to write this blogpost, available for the world to read hahaha well, assuming that she has readers.

If there's a reader out there, I hope you're a psychologist because I'd like to ask if I'm still normal. Haha

---
But if there's a reader out there and turned out to be the someone I haven't talked to for some time.. I want you to know that I'm sorry if I'm bad at communicating. Believe me, I wasn't like this before. And I'm not going to be like this forever. Hopefully.. Know that I still care, cheering you from afar, but I'm just afraid to reach out. If it's not too much to ask, I wish you could come through.



Friday, April 30, 2021

inertia

 According to Physics, inertia is a property of matter by which it remains at rest or in uniform motion in the same straight line unless acted upon by some external force. In simpler terms, inertia is the reason why matter (something that takes up space and has mass) stays still if it is still, or keeps moving if it is moving.. unless there's an outside force to overcome or to counter it.


That's what I felt inside of me for the past months. Either I can't move on from where we stopped, or I can't stop from thinking of what could be. 


It is welling up inside me like a snowball rolling downhill, getting bigger and bigger and heavier as it gathers more snow, waiting for that one big rock to smash on and break its momentum.


I  also feel like I am a glacier waiting for the Titanic to break me into icebergs and drift away with the current. 



It has been 4 months. Four months of waiting and looking for reasons why I should continue to wait. Maybe I was still hoping that the Lord would grant my prayer, or maybe it was something you said that gave me hope. 


I've been swaying back and forth like a pendulum, from happy to sad, from weak to strong. It's such an irony that it feels like I am in a never-ending cycle of pain and happiness but also feel stuck. Stuck in a cycle..


I need to find a way to break out from this cycle. 


So, I wait for the external force.  I needed a reason why I should stop and let go.  In physics, this external force is usually in a form of friction or an air resistance. In my case, I guess we can call it "time" because as they say, "time heals." As time goes by, the feelings will fall out, memories will fade. Last time I felt this, I had to wait for two years. So for now, I wish time could pass by faster. 


But, external force could also refer to somebody new. I always want to know what's going on with you, always curious on what happened at your work today, always looking forward to events I could cheer you on. But maybe sometimes, we should have limits in knowing. Maybe there are just some things that are not meant for us to know. At the end of the day, I'm still happy for you.


Yey the momentum has broken.


or so I thought..


I am back in the Cycle days after. I am still stuck. Taylor Swift's "All Too Well" lyrics hits me harder this time, "Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it, I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it." Haha thank you Mareng Taylor for always putting up the words my mouth can't speak.  


It took me a while to realize that "it is what it is", even though, I still hope it isn't. But it is what it is. I know it is important to remember the past and to learn our history, but it is another thing to be stuck in it. And I don't want to be stuck in it anymore. I want to be happy, too.


And I realized that it is by having simple decisions like this that we will be able to move forward or go slow. I have been looking for an external force when all this time, it's just within me. 


All I pray is that after all of this, no bitterness is left within me. To never stop believing in love and believe that someday we'll also be going to be loved in return, in ways we want to be loved. I have no bitterness within me now, and that is something I can at least take pride on. Within me, there is only hope.


Thank you for the every inspiration you've given me. 


For now, I'll move on.

Saturday, April 3, 2021

redeemed and saved

The month of March was a rollercoaster ride for me. It was so fun in the first two weeks, but in between the joys, I was also struggling to juggle my social life and my duties at work. So basically, I just decided that I'll have to work hard in the last weeks of the month, as compensation for my happy days, and as the second semester was also fast approaching.


Well, the past few weeks were quite a mess. I work late at night and have to wake up early. I had to ditch house chores and felt guilty that I was not helping my mom in the house duties. I had consecutive sleepless nights and I had acne breakouts, so worse, my expensive skin care routine could not even cope hahahuhu. Despite of it all, I tried my best to be loving and kind and to be sane at my workplace... but of course, I failed.

I had an intense debate and exchange of arguments with my workmate regarding on sexism, and I was trying to debunk his "boys will be boys" mindset. Usually, even though it was not new to me to hear those kind of remarks at my workplace, I could've just shrugged it off because I don't want to meddle with these people and their ingrained principles.. but that one time was an exception. I was tired.. and super irritable, okay. Though, our argument had ended peacefully because we just agreed to disagree, I had already hurt him with something I said. I apologized but I was still so guilty and I felt so unclean.

A week after that, I was involved in an issue at school. I was at fault at some point, and a lot of misunderstandings took place but none of it was in my control. Our attentions were called and were asked for our testimonies. I felt like I was on trial at court and I was guilty. My heart was so heavy that time because I felt so unclean again, a hundred times over. And it was especially painful to admit that in front of many people, but I had to. I had to wallow in my self-disappointment while I have to prepare for my presentation in the Divisional Research Congress that Friday, to which I was disappointed again. 

I am so done with everything. So drained.

Looking back, I don't understand why I have to undergo all through that. But I understand now. I had to experience brokenness again, before the Lord, to go back to Him. To prepare my heart before Him, for this season of Lent. The Lord had allowed to expose my heart from the hidden sins I've committed and there's nothing else I wanted to do but to offer it and surrender. Those circumstances have exposed how unclean I am and how much I need of a Savior.

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. ~Psalms 139:23 NIV

I could never redeem myself after all the things I've done, after so many people I've hurt along the way. I could not see my workmates now the same way as before. Even though I always say to myself that I am not here to build a reputation, I could not deny that I am still afraid of what they think of me now. I want to explain to everyone that it was all just a misunderstanding, I want to explain to them that I was blameless.. but I could not. Because who am I to cleanse my own sins. A sinner could not take its own sins away. I would be a fool to think that I could redeem myself.

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. ~ Psalms 51:17 NIV

Deep in my heart, I just want to make peace with myself. I could've never done it if it weren't for the Peace Giver. If they think of me differently now, then let it be. It's true anyway. That I am not sinless, blameless, clean. 

I am still thankful that those things have to happen. And beyond blessed that I have somewhere to run to when I feel helpless. Indeed, who am I if it weren't for Jesus. I just want to bask myself under the Lord's mighty saving grace. 

Every suffering we have in this world is a longing for a Savior. An emptiness that can only be filled in by our Creator. For all that had happened in the past weeks, the suffering of Jesus Christ on the Cross now bears so much weight in me. He had to die on the Cross as an atonement for our sins, for my sins. I am not helpless and not a hopeless case. I can still be redeemed and be saved by Him. I am forevermore thankful Jesus for the love You have for me. 

Your love, I could not fathom. 😭💖

Sunday, February 21, 2021

constants

 


I don't know what happened why we were now stuck together. These people have known me for more than 10 years already. Jai and I have known each other since elementary. It's amazing how the Lord had allowed me to have friendships as long as this. At the end of the day, I feel blessed that no matter what, I have friends who will choose to get along side with me through the good and bad times. Friends who choose me to be with them in their sunny or rainy days. It's such an honor.



While Jai and I had been friends already since elementary, it was only in high school where we got closer when we met more people who have the same wavelengths as ours. We had a big group before, u know classic high school culture, but eventually, parted ways. While for me, reunions will always be welcome but I guess, big groups of friendships just don't work. We all have our small groups whom we choose to trust with our lives.


Hahahaha and yes, literally, I trusted my life with this two gals yesterday. Nicole was the first one among us who got a driver's license so it was the first time that she drove us around the city. And it was also her first time to bring the car to the city! We were so proud of her but couldn't deny that we were really feeling jittery during the ride. Really, thank God, we arrived at our homes safe and sound, no broken bones. Hahaha  






We went to Noona's Chill and Grill because I like to eat some hot noodles to counter the cozy weather and had some photo sesh, duhh of course. 


Our adventures yesterday were epic! and dangerous haha. It was Nicole's first time to drive without any supervision from someone with a license, first time to drive at night (we even had a trouble in turning on the lights hahaha), first overtake (woohh!), first bump and scratches on the side mirror hahahaha. It was very risky so let's just say it's all for the experience for us to be better drivers. I'm also going to learn and practice driving so that I can also take my friends out safely.


So when I say I am really thankful we got home safe yesterday, I mean it seriously haha no offense Nics hahahah. Nevertheless, I had fun. These experiences with them, I wouldn't trade it for the world. To more misadventures with my constants. <3

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