I just have a great urge to put this out. On a Holy Thursday. When Jesus cried in Gethsemane, asking the Father to take this cup from Him, yet still surrendering to His will.

I am also in deep sorrow. The moment I woke up this morning, I felt a great need to cry. Not because of my own struggles, but because of others. I feel a deep sadness for all the people who don’t really know Jesus.

Not just knowing His name, but truly knowing Him. Encountering Him. Following Him.

I cried out to the Lord today, asking why He has revealed this to me, and only to a few. Why is it that I can so clearly see His lovingkindness... while so many remain distant from Him? I thought about the brokenness in this world. People who are searching, hurting, longing, and yet still don't go to Him.

And my heart broke even more.

Because if I could give even a small portion of the faith I have—just enough for them to see who Jesus truly is, I would give it without hesitation. But I can’t.

And that is what grieves me.

I want to share the gospel with them. But sometimes, I struggle. It feels awkward. I feel out of place and different. And I wonder why something so life-giving can feel so hard to express.

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In my devotion this morning, I was led to Genesis 3:1–15.

The moment the serpent tempted Eve. Eve knew God’s instruction: “You must not eat from the tree… or you will die.” And yet the serpent said, “You will not certainly die.” It sounded convincing. It sounded almost true. And in a way, it seemed true. They did not die immediately. Not physically. But something far more serious happened. They were separated from God.

And I realized…these are same lies we are still hearing today.

In this fallen world, we are constantly fed with words that sound like truth, especially words we want to hear but are not aligned with God’s instructions.

The enemy does not always lie outright. Sometimes, he distorts the truth just enough for us to believe it. And like Eve… like Adam… we are easily swayed. Not because we do not know— but because we struggle to trust. We follow what feels good. What sounds right. What seems acceptable. But what feels right is not always right in the eyes of the Lord. God set His commands not to restrict us but to protect us. And yet, we still go our own way. And still, God does not force us to love Him.

That is what makes this so heavy because love must be chosen. Obedience must come from the heart.

I know I am far from perfect. I still make mistakes every day. I still sin in my thoughts, words, and actions. I still judge from time to time. I still make decisions that are not aligned with His will. But even then something in me corrects me, rebukes me, and draws me back. Still struggling, but not feeling defeated. And I know this is not from me. This is only by His grace. 

And this truth humbles me: Salvation is personal.

A relationship with Jesus cannot be passed on. It cannot be transferred. It is a decision. And that is why I grieve. Because I cannot save my family and my friends with my own strength and faith. I cannot give them my faith. They have to have it personally.

Only Jesus can save.

And yet, my heart still longs for them. Not just to know His name— but to truly know Him. To encounter Him. To follow Him as Lord.

But today, in the middle of my grief,

Jesus gently reminds me: I am not the Savior. He is. So even in my sorrow, there is peace. Because I am grieving a world that He has already overcome.

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My dear reader,

I pray that you would allow Jesus into your heart.

What He offers is something so beautiful, something so real, that I cannot fully express it in words. You have to experience it.

God is not distant from you. You may feel far from Him. You may not fully understand Him. You may even be unsure if He is real. But He sees you. He knows you. And He loves you.

From the beginning, sin separated us from God. But God, in His love, made a way. Jesus Christ came not just to teach, but to save. He experienced what it's like to live in this fallen world. And He took upon Himself the weight of our sin. He died on the cross, with us in His mind, knowing that it is the only way to save us from being totally separated from Him. But He rose again proving that sin and death do not have the final word.

To be under the weight of our worries and troubles in this world, it is natural in this fallen world-- but we don't have to carry it on our own. Jesus has already overcome the world, you just have to believe in this truth and surrender your life to Him.

Praying also Lord that You increase my capacity to love so that they may also know the love You have also given and shown me. Give me courage to share You. Thank you, Jesus.

Lake Majang, Paju, Gyeonggi-do, South Korea

one thing i've learned from a blogger friend lately is that "i cannot just be one thing" and that is true. i have totally forgotten about my passion projects (photography, journaling, planning, blogging) because of my acads. aaaahhh hadlang talaga ang pag-aaral HAHA chz i just need to insert these activities in my schedule.

anyway, i decided to count my blessings instead of sulking of how stuck i feel right now. looking at my bucketlist , i am happy to have ticked off a lot of things already unknowingly. thank u Lord <3 

1) go to South Korea !!!!

2) go to a Coldplay concert

3) go to a Christian band concert

4) go to a Taylor Swift concert

don't you miss the sunsets lately? 

nearly 6 months in for year 2025. systems check, systems check. 

looking back, the first half of the year surely was packed. the first months were filled with weddings and reunions. then a couple of outings every week (wow!) with my new found friends whom i've met in the second half of last year. funny how short the time was needed for us to click-- it felt like we've known each other for years already. funny how we meet people for a short time and change our lives forever.

after more than a year and a half, i finally belonged to a group of sisters in Christ whom i could grow with spiritually in Manila. this group tremendously helped me in my journey. the Lord truly is faithful yesterday, today, and the days to come.

in between, i hustled for my GIS course and thesis. it was not easy. i really thought i could make it, juggling another subject on top of my thesis-- which i should finish in the second semester if i wanted to graduate on time.

long story short, i failed to graduate on time. *cue in multo by cup of joe: hindi na makalaya~* haha

for a moment, i could not accept it. even my roommates could not accept that i gave up. they were also barely holding on as two of them are also graduating. we're supposed to graduate together. i know i have disappointed many people, probably my adviser, my scholarships, my family, my friends, my students, and the Lord. 

for a moment, i was tempted to think that if i won't excel in my acads, in what other ways can I show the people around me how good the Lord has been in my life? if i fail in the only thing i think i am good at, what is the good thing left about me?

for a moment, i have already written in my mind the best plot twist that could happen in my thesis because i know the Lord has saved me many times in my acads and very gracious in sending me help. i was tired already and nearly burnout but i believed that God will still work my thesis out even it seems so impossible to make it on time. 

but what if He does not?

who am i to limit the Lord? who am i to think that i can only please the Lord through my acads? why do i feel like i have to be always strong for others to see that the Lord is good in my life? why am i afraid to be seen weak just because I have a great God? what a great rebuke. when i saw the following post on instagram at a perfect timing, it seemed that the Lord is really trying to speak and comfort me.

God: I hear you pray, "Lord, may my whole life be for Your glory."

But when you don't disclose your sorrows, you are withholding my story.

I am in the highs, the lows. I am in the waves of grief.

When you hide from all your troubles,

how will they know I bring relief?

Your trusting lament, in minor key,

is a sweet and fragrant offering.

A melody that points all who hears and see to Me,

the giver of all good things.

Sing, child, sing. 

(@kategoescreating, instagram)

the Lord is still a good, good Father, even in my lows. if having known the Lord more means i have to be in the valleys, then i'll enjoy my time here. if the highest place i could reach in this lifetime is at His feet, then that's enough for me.

i admit i am not proud of the version of myself right now. but my dgroup Ate told me that i might find someone who has the same situation with me whom i can comfort to, and that's an enough reason why i had to go through this. 

so i am telling my story like it is. since in my weakness, His strength is magnified. in my failures, His redemptive power can be shown.

to face the uncertainty of the next 6 months of this year, i think this is the scariest situation i'm in again after two years haha, i shall "rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him" (Psalm 37:7). i don't know how it's gonna turn out but faithful He was and faithful He will be.

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to add from my devotional today (6.26.2025), the Lord has spoken to me through Isaiah 55 😭:

There are no shortcuts in the breakthroughs we desire. Fruit takes time, self. 

Thank God, Your ways are better than mine.

The photo above is the best picture that could describe what I'm feeling about this new year. That is my corner of the room the first time we moved into our new place. Barely empty, looking lonely, but so much space to bring in new things. 

Here's the second part of my photodiary!

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10th - grief and clarity

Dealing with grief has always been hard and different for each person. But one thing I learned last year is that grief could also come when there is clarity. 

There is clarity on where I should go, but I will grieve about the places I had to leave. There is clarity on what I want, but there is grief on what could have been. There is clarity on what love we think we deserve, but there is grief where love has been.

While grief's hard to deal with, it's because of clarity that we're able to slowly get through with it.

Here's a picture of Moon and Venus conjunction, the phenomenon where both celestial bodies align with each other and appear close as observed from Earth. 

11th - live for the little things

12th - grass is greener here

This is actually a reminder for me always to be thankful of what I have for now. There's uncertainty of my future after I graduate Masters. Most probably I'll be comparing myself with other people's employed status hahaha. But it's gonna be okay. There's no use in looking over other people's patches of green fields when I can also invest in myself, nurture my growth, and appreciate small sprouts of progress.

13th - forgive yourself

I've always been too hard on myself whenever I make mistakes. I am even ashamed other people might see my faults. 

But whether we said the wrong words, followed the wrong advice, gave up too soon, made the wrong choices-- I hope we always give ourselves grace and understand that we are just humans. And this is our first life, it's okay to make mistakes.

I've read once in a post, 'Imagine how much further you'd get if you met your setbacks with "let's try again" instead of "what's the point"'. Let's not easily give up, and give ourselves grace to try again.

14th - rest well, serve well

Many times I've regretted what I've said, done, and thought of when I am tired. This year, I will be more present to every waking moment, be more present to the people around me, so that I can serve them well. 

I think it's okay to put off things first especially when making decisions until I have rested well. I realized as I am getting older, I can't do all-nighter anymore and still have energy for the next day. 

I hope to have courage to say no to things that will compromise my sleeping time. Haha just adult things

(Look at that mountain though, damn those edges!! I will always miss Bukidnon <3) 

15th - go out and discover you

I thank the Lord that I have the privilege to travel. More than the beautiful things I've seen in other places, my travels also allowed me to discover things within me.

Because of my travels, I have dared to dream new dreams and gained new perspectives on the world. Once you go out there, you realize how small your worries are and how great we could still be when we expand our mindset of who we are right now.

Different races, cultures, languages-- these really fascinate me every time, because as I go people watching, how different we may be, everybody is just trying to survive in this life in our own ways.

I am just but a small speck in this vast world.

16th - mang and pang

My mom and dad are not perfect but amidst of all the broken marriages and families today, I admire their faithfulness with each other in keeping their relationship strong. I guess 30 years of marriage is really hard work and God's faithfulness. 

I guess their bond got closer and love got stronger when all their children had left home already, and realized that all they have is each other. Makes me teary eyed every time I think of this aaaahhhh

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

17th - mourn, but hope

Pain demands to be felt, and there's no point of suppressing our hurts. 

Allow yourself to grieve and feel what you feel. But it's another thing to let that feeling linger. There is wisdom in realizing that pain is part in this life, but so is breakthrough. There are indeed nights that feel so long, dark, and lonely, but hold on to the hope that joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). 

When I lost my phone last year, there was a storm that week which gave me reason to mourn for days because there was no sun hahaha but eventually, sun had to show up. The world did not stop revolving around the sun, and the world would not stop for me. Painful truth but comforting at the same time. 

Thank God for every morning, for every sunrise. It's a stark reminder that there is hope in every loss. And that every dark moment always has its end.

18th - room to grow

"Please be patient with me.

God is not through with me yet.

I am not yet what God wants me to be.

But praise God, by His Grace, I'm no longer the same person as I was."

- Ptr. Peter Tan-Chi
(January 5, 2025 - CCF Sunday Service)

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It's already the second month of 2025. This post is long overdue!! It was supposed to be posted on the first week of the year but life happened. Weddings, reunions, and thesis. This post had undergone so much drafts already hahaha I've been writing and finishing this at the airport while waiting for my flights, writing in between my thesis experiments, and writing for a few minutes before I go to sleep. I guess I had to post it already before I get (super) busy again.